Now that we are a month into our new year resolutions, it seems fitting to look at the myth of perfectionism and the damaging effects that striving towards perfection can have on our ability to find happiness. How might one find peace, and healing, in imperfection?

Full service
Selected sermons
Home

Reading
SILHOUETTE
by Nancy Tepper

Silhouetted against the dusk I see trees.
Reaching toward blueness rich in its darkness,
Their branches transcend color,
Are beyond blackness or brownness.
Some are isolated, others in clusters,
But each stands alone, independent of the others.
It is winter now - not a leaf clings to one of them;
They are stark in their nakedness.
Yet how proud each is, stripped of all camouflage,
To bravely show every detail of its uniqueness,
Unconcerned with gnarls, broken limbs, lopsidedness,
Vulnerability.
How breathtakingly beautiful each is in its realness, sureness.
Why can people not be so?

Sermon
"The Tyranny of Perfection"

I didn't realize it until that fall a few years ago, when my oldest daughter started Kindergarten. But there it was one day, staring me right in the face. She'd brought home a paper that *gasp* wasn't perfect. In fact, there were two items on it that were incorrect. Not only were they incorrect, but they were things that I knew that she knew. I deduced that this meant she wasn't focusing on the assignment, and I started to get irritated. I looked at that piece of paper, listened to what was going on in my head and suddenly realized my life was unfolding in a way that I had never anticipated.

You see, as I looked at the paper my child had brought home, I suddenly came face to face with the realization that I was, indeed, a perfectionist.

*sigh*

I didn't realize it before. I really and truly didn't. I think it somehow snuck up on me. A dear friend of mine, now, she's a perfectionist. Brilliant, beautiful, with the world at her feet and yet somehow she rarely seems to take pleasure in her accomplishments. As a teenager, she fell pray to one of the insidious mental health diseases that perfectionism can lead to: she was anorexic.

But me? No, surely not me. I did know that I had type-A personality tendencies, and that I have a bit of a temper. But a perfectionist? I leave blotches of paint on the ceiling when other people I know take paintbrushes with just a few tiny little bristles to get that line between the wall and the ceiling just right. My house is nowhere near as neat or clean as it could be. I got terrible grades in college and it wasn't until seminary that I finally enjoyed applying myself and earning the rewards. Yet there I stood, looking at that silly piece of paper from my daughter the kindergartener, and so many other pieces fell into place that it seemed a puzzle I hadn't even known I was working on was suddenly completed there before me. I was, indeed, a perfectionist: I wanted my daughter to achieve her fullest potential, and this stemmed from a feeling that I would be failing in life if I didn't achieve my highest potential. Hindsight being 20/20, perhaps I should've realized this sooner: when I was in seminary and needed to come up with a definition of "sin" that would work for me, I defined it as "failing to live up to our human potential."

Prior to starting my ministerial internship, if you had asked me if I were a perfectionist I would have laughed at the idea. I was not a social perfectionist, believing that others will value me only if I was perfect. I was not an artistic perfectionist, striving for perfection in that which I create. And while I was an "other-oriented" perfectionist in part, hoping for perfection in those who are close to me, I forgave imperfection in others quite easily - as I did with my child's imperfect paper (I never even mentioned it to her besides saying "Good work!"). My realization was that I was an internally motivated perfectionist: wanting to try to be the perfect mother, the perfect spouse, the perfect daughter, sister, friend, minister. I usually forgave myself of my imperfections rather quickly, as I did with others. But as I worked toward my perfectionist goals, I struggled with the tension between the desire to achieve my fullest potential and the knowledge that I might find that my fullest potential was not as spectacular as I'd hoped. Additionally, I knew that if my main goal was to achieve my potential, regardless of what that might mean to those around me, this would have devastating effects on my family. Who wants to be one of those people who, on their deathbed, wish that they'd spent more time with their loved ones? Not me. But the combination that year of having a child start kindergarten and me starting the internship reawakened these desires and goals and made me question both what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to be. I realized that I had to decide soon, because if I stayed on the path toward perfection, then all sorts of damage to my life and loved ones was on the horizon because perfection is that end of the rainbow: an illusion, a myth that one can never reach and that, in trying to chase it down, can cause all sorts of harm.

Now, there are several different ways to understand perfectionism. First and foremost, as you may have figured out already, I'm talking about perfection in a very dualistic manner: either you're perfect, or you're flawed. There's no in-between here: You either is, or you ain't.

And I'm not talking about being perfectionist in terms of striving for excellence and "holding yourself to high standards that you find motivating and which inspire you to perform." Excellence won't cut it. Doing your best, doing the best, may not cut it. It must be perfect.

This sort of dualistic vision of perfection is a myth: there can be no perfect, flawless person, there is no perfect job, no perfect mate, no perfect children. But unlike so many other myths, this is one that many of us buy into - we live as though perfection were actually a real thing that is possible to achieve. And when we do this, our lives suffer. Those striving after this unattainable vision of perfection develop eating disorders, anxiety issues, become depression and suicidal. We lack self-confidence. We are overly critical both of ourselves and of others. We become dependent on drugs and alcohol. We have a hard time being satisfied with life. We're stuck always looking at either the future or the past, and we're missing what is right here, right now. We tell ourselves that we could be better, should be better when what we really need to do is accept and love who we are right now.

This dualistic understanding of perfection as applied to human beings is a myth, a harmful myth, which has no room for those rich experiences in life that allow us to grow. In order to move forward to health and healing, we must either toss it out completely, or else find a way to make peace with a new concept of perfection. Since therapists have told their perfectionist patients for years to lower their standards, with virtually no effect, I propose that the concept of perfectionism is, perhaps, too ingrained in our subconscious minds to completely throw out. Instead, let us re-orient the concept of perfection out of the harmful dualistic understanding we currently operate under and towards a re-visioning that encourages health instead of harm.

This re-visioning of perfection has precedent. Through the ages, the concept of perfection has undergone many different manifestations. In the 4th century BCE, Aristotle identified three meanings of the term "perfect." The first meaning is that that which is perfect is complete. It contains all the requisite parts. For example, a plant that can grow and reproduce has all the requisite parts - therefore it is perfect in this understanding.

The second meaning of perfection, according to Aristotle, is that which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better. This meaning is the dualistic understanding prevalent in our culture. In fact, the first meaning of perfection that Aristotle identified is subsumed under this second meaning, as obviously if something is so good that nothing of the kind could be better, then it must contain the requisite parts.

The third and final meaning of perfect that Aristotle identified is that which has attained its purpose, such as a tool that fits a specific need. It doesn't have to be an ergonomic tool, it does not have to be an exquisite tool, it simply has to have attained its purpose. A hammer, for instance, is a perfect tool, provided, of course, that you are looking at a bunch of nails.

In our culture, our concept of perfection comes directly from the Judeo-Christian tradition by way of the Puritan ideals prevalent in the early life of this country. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew Scriptures, the concept of perfection is variously translated as "undefiled", "without rebuke", "without blemish", "blameless", "holy" and "righteous". God is perceived as perfect, and humanity is flawed - we are sinners that, though created in the image of God, aren't perfect as is God. Our sin, our imperfection, prevents us from being in God's presence in the afterlife. Thus we are in need of salvation from our sins, from our flaws: we are in need of salvation from our imperfections.

Early Christian writers took this further. In the Gospel of Matthew, Christians are exhorted to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect." In closing out his second letter to the Christian church in Corinth, the apostle Paul urged the congregation to "Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

As it turns out, many of these original texts actually use perfect in a different sense - not flawless, but the first of Aristotle's definitions: whole, complete. However, as often happens, something got lost in the translation.

The Puritans in New England in the early ages of this country (the same ones who laid the stage for Unitarianism) took perfection to an even more dualistic level. "The central tenet of Puritanism was God's supreme authority over human affairs …as expressed in the Bible. This view led them to seek both individual and corporate conformance to the teaching of the Bible, and it led them to pursue moral purity down to the smallest detail."

But going back to Aristotle, in contrast to this religious, dualistic vision of perfection, in the philosophical and ethical realms, Aristotle third meaning of perfection was dominate: that which has attained its purpose. Coming along just after the death of Aristotle, the Stoics built upon the work of Aristotle and "introduced the concept of perfection into ethics…describing it as harmony - with nature, reason, [humanity itself]. They held that such harmony - such perfection - was attainable for anyone"

Perfection as harmony - now we seem to be pointing in a better direction. Eastern thought has long held such a view of perfection as living in harmony rather than in the dualistic sense of flawlessness. In China, probably a bit before the time of Aristotle, Lao Tzu in writing the Tao Te Ching, advocated that the secret to success and fulfillment in life was a harmonization of one's personal will with the natural harmony and justice of Nature. Following the way of the Tao is about finding balance, such as the natural balance that ecosystems achieve: "The way of the Tao is to take from those who have too much and give to those who do not have enough. [Humanity's] way is different. [They] take from those who do not have enough to give to those who already have too much."

Arising out of Zen Buddhism, which itself is a fusion of Buddhism and Taoism is another lens through which to view a vision of perfection that concentrates on harmony. Wabi-Sabi is "the Japanese art of finding beauty in imperfection and profundity in nature, of accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay and death." Like Zen, Wabi-Sabi places great importance on moment-by-moment awareness and "seeing deeply into the nature of things" by direct experience. Moment-by-moment awareness: not striving for flawless perfection, not focusing on either the future or the past, but simply a moment-by-moment awareness and experience.

"Wabi stems from the root wa, which refers to harmony, peace, tranquility and balance…Someone who is completely herself and never craves to be anything else." Sabi, on the other hand, "is the understanding that beauty is fleeting…Sabi things carry the burden of their years with dignity and grace."

Wabi-Sabi encourages an appreciation of harmony and balance: the wrinkles and laugh lines that develop on our faces as we get older become not things we must cosmetically treat in order to disguise or get rid of, but instead become beautiful reminders of the laughter and experiences that have created who we are as individuals. Wabi-Sabi reminds me to be the best "me" that I can be: not by achieving my highest potential at no matter the cost, but by living a life of balance and harmony, tranquility and peace.

There is a story about a water-bearer in India that had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect. The perfect pot always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, whereas the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the water-bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water on each trip. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"For these past two year, I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer's heart went out to the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt sad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the water-bearer for its failure. The water-bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I've been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Perfection through harmony, through accepting and loving who we are, isn't lowering our standards. It isn't becoming couch-potatoes and embracing slacker-dom. It isn't falling back into our addictions because we are fine just the way we are.

Instead, perfection through harmony is about accepting responsibility for ourselves and our actions in a peaceful way, without self-hatred. It is transforming our goals and ideals to reflect a healthier, more fulfilling lifestyle. Rather than measuring ourselves against how flawed or sinful we are, instead, we sit with our unique natures and seek balance. We see that what we perceive as a flaw may enable beauty to grow in its wake.

Let us gently set aside the dualistic vision of perfection that creates in us a longing for the impossible, for the inhuman. Let us embrace and cultivate the parts of ourselves that long for a broader vision, one that is filled with harmony and peace. Let us be like the tree in the poem we heard earlier, content to just be ourselves, the best me and the best you that we can possibly be - not flawless but living at peace with ourselves.

May it be so. May we be so.

Full service
Selected sermons
Return to top
Home